I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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