I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
