Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
