Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
