and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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