I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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