i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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