I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
