i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
