Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
