i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
When are your genitals available?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
