So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
