oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
