it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
He felt like a one man threesome
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
