It's a beautiful day for a hangover
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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