Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize