She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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