the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
