3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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