Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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