I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
do herpes really smell.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
