Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
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