when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
