Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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