i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
