no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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