I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
