eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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