don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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