She even gives head with a lisp.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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