Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
