so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
