I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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