yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize