Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize