Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
