6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
