I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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