there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
