You're completely useless in the revolution.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
