I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
