I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
