R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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