your room smells of hookers.
And success
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
