idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
