i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
