I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
