I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
