theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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