Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
