In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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