Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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