You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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