I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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