So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Are we still banned from the library?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
