on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
