so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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