Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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