i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
