I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
