We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
