Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
