Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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